My relationship to the church never fully recovered from Prop 8. It was already fairly tattered, makeshift stitchings keeping it whole.
Last summer, on a whim, I picked up a book by a former Evangelical pastor, Brian McLaren. In it, he argues that so much of contemporary Christianity's approach to the Bible and theology is distorted through the cultural baggage we've accumulated over the past 2,000 years. Our view of Jesus is filtered by the view of say, John Wesley, whose view is filtered through Martin Luther, whose view is filtered through Thomas Aquinas, whose view is filtered through Augustine, whose view is filtered through Paul. McLaren calls for a fresh approach, an approach that tries to read the Bible for what it actually says; not what our leaders, teachers, and mentors, say it means.
McLaren's vision resonated with me. It had the ring of truth to it. I began reading many of the books cited in his book, including revisiting the Bible.
I felt God's hand tugging me along, slowly, gently. I felt that God was speaking to me for the first time in, well, ever.
And as I began to hear God's voice in my studies, it was deafeningly silent in LDS meetings.
Though Mormons insist that they are indeed Christians (and I would agree with that assertion), many LDS meetings, conclude, sadly, with nary a mention of Christ, with the exception of closing prayers, testimonies, and talks in his name.
I began seeing failings in the Mormon approach everywhere (some of these failings were hardly fresh observations; I've always been bothered by the legalistic approach Mormon culture takes to dress and appearance).
I was fairly open with my dear wife about my entire spiritual journey, from my mission until now. She shares many of the concerns and questions about the church that I've long harbored. For her, however, the good she finds in the church outweighs the negative.
We began attending other church services, in addition to continuing our attendance in our LDS ward. Our first experience was in one of the mainline Protestant churches. It was lovely. Though I've visited several other denominations on my own, we've continued to attend services at this particular mainline branch and have never been disappointed. Every time we've gone, I've felt God's presence; what has been taught and sung about rings true.
In these services, the hymns and the sermons have expressed an awe toward God that I've rarely experienced in the LDS church. For some reason or another, God doesn't seem as mysterious and awesome in Mormonism as God does to other Christians.*
So, in the several months since we began attending this mainline church once to twice a month, I've become partial to and felt some desire to be connected with this church. I feel that God is calling me towards this. And moreover, it works for me; Mormonism doesn't.
I recognize that for many Mormons, because it is so self evident that the LDS church is the only true and living church on the face of the Earth, the only explanation for someone like me is to say that I was deeply offended by someone in the church or that I have a desire to sin.
I've been offended by plenty of people in the church, but I'm a big boy. The vast majority of any offenses I've experienced have been small ones that I've long since let go of and forgotten about. And any larger offenses I've experienced simply weren't that big of a deal. They were pretty minor, in the grand scheme of things, that I'd never let detract from where I choose to worship God. I've always tried to "choose not to be offended."
As for a desire to sin...nah. I got most of that out of my system in my post-mission, pre-marriage years. I'm more than happily married, and would never intentionally do anything to harm that relationship, my wife or my children.
I recognize all the good that the LDS church does for individuals and in the world; I know that it works for a great many people. The reality is that it no longer does for me.
I've come to the end of the Mormon sidewalk, and I'm I've got nothing but wide open meadow ahead of me. Now, which direction do I want to go in?
*To be perfectly fair, a number of hymns in the LDS hymnal express awe towards God and Jesus. One of my favorite hymns written by an LDS writer is a favorite because it expresses that awe so beautifully. The problem is that they aren't sung with awe. In most congregations I've been in, hymns aren't sung with much of anything. They often feel like a formality. My sense of a lack of awe toward God within the LDS church/culture probably stems from our confidence in God's plan and his nature. Though that confidence has virtues of its own, a sense of awe does not seem to be one of them.
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